Am I “in Control”?
From the DSM-IV psychiatric manual, the Criteria for an Addictive Disorder include:
- Frequent engaging in the behavior to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended
- Persistent desire for the behavior or one or more unsuccessful efforts to reduce or control the behavior
- Much time spent in activities necessary for the behavior, engaging in the behavior or recovering from its effects
- Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill social, occupational, academic or domestic obligations
- Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological or physical problem caused or exacerbated by the behavior
Sexual addiction and compulsivity can also be defined as sexual behaviors which involve
"escalating patterns of sexual behavior with increasingly harmful consequences." These
consequences might include:
- Social- Loss of marriage/primary relationship, friendships, social networks due to sexual preoccupation and behavior
- Emotional- Depression or anxiety are common due to the shame, secrecy and lowered self-esteem of sexual addicts
- Physical- Injury due to frequency and type of behaviors; sexually transmitted diseases are common
- Legal- Arrests for sexual crimes (voyeurism, lewd conduct, etc.), loss of professional stature or licenser for sexual misconduct or sexual harassment
- Financial- Costs of pornographic materials, use of prostitutes, phone/computer sex lines; Loss of productivity, creativity and employment
Test Yourself
These questions are intended to help you see your sexual activity more clearly. Several
“yes” answers may be a sign of some issues with sex addiction. You may wish to seek more information from a
trained professional. It does not mean you either do or do not have a problem.
- Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?
- That you'd be better off if you didn't keep “giving in”?
- That sex or stimuli are controlling you?
- Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?
- Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?
- Do you feel guilt, remorse or depression afterward?
- Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?
- Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
- Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?
- Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?
- Do you keep going from one “relationship” or lover to another?
- Do you feel the “right relationship” would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?
- Do you have a destructive need—a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
- Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
- Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?
- Do you lose time from work for it?
- Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?
- Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?
- Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?
- Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?
SA Literature © 1982, 1984, 1989, 2001.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.
The Problem
Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.
Early on, we came to feel disconnected—from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.
We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. “Please connect with me and make me whole!” we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others. This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.
Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the “chemistry,” the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love. First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.
© 1982, 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.
The Solution
We saw that our problem was three-fold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three. The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it meant “drying out” and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust. We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional! There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to God and others.
All this was scary. We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off the edge into oblivion, but we took it. And instead of killing us, surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life.
The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves. Instead of covering our feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.As we faced our defects, we became willing to change; surrendering them broke the power they had over us. We began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our “drug.”
Forgiving all who had injured us, and without injuring others, we tried to right our own wrongs. At each amends more of the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders, until we could lift our heads, look the world in the eye, and stand free.
We began practicing a positive sobriety, taking the actions of love to improve our relations with others. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what none of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home.
© 1982, 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.